Put on your finest suit, preferably all black. Like Johnny Cash. Rent a super car (Ferrari). Withdraw copious amounts of money from your bank account.
On a Friday night, roll up to the hottest local club in your Ferrari, cash on hand, with the music bumping. MAKE A SCENE.
As you get out, remove your sun glasses and before the bouncer has a chance to deny you entry, hand him $1000. Get a VIP booth. You are now the hottest guy in the room. Enjoy.
Get a bunch of friends together to be your entourage. One of them needs to have access to a production video camera.
Go to your local mall and pretend to be famous with the entourage and the camera following you around. Everyone will flock. When a hot chick wants to meet you, get their number. Continue this charade until you’ve wed said hot chick…then break the news. 50% of the time, it works every time.
Here’s what you’re going to want to do, you’re going to want to stage a dance off at the local watering hole. Have a trusted friend challenge you “randomly” while out at the club/bar/street corner. You’re friend will go first with some impressive moves. Then when it’s your turn, throw on your members only jacket, and rip your Adidas break away pants off. This alone is going to tip the scales in your favor. Then whip out your hottest moves. Definitely start off with advanced Macarena moves, move into the Bernie, probably wouldn’t hurt to throw in some Riverdance moves (you see how many chicks that Lord of the Dance guy gets? It’s insane. I don’t know if it’s the headband or the flamboyant jacket with glistening bare chest underneath but this guy literally has hordes of women dancing for him.) Then seal the deal with the Worm. The Worm really gets the ladies going.
Find a nice young lady and take her for a ride on your broom. Then take her to a Quidditch game. You must win and be MVP for this to work.
Assuming all that goes to plan, magically cast a love spell on her and you’re golden.
Women find a guy who can fix things irresistible. So the best thing to do while on a date is to break as much stuff as you can and fix it. You’ll probably want to bring a carpenters belt with you as you’re going to have a lot of stuff to fix. You’re going to want to smash glasses, glue them back together or better yet, use glass blowing techniques to make a new glass. Definitely smash your chair and then tape and nail it back together. It wouldn’t hurt to spill something on her dress to. Something tough like red wine, then get the stain out…or better yet, just say that it’s the one thing you can’t fix and offer to help her take off her dress…so you can take it to the dry cleaners of course…
